Bedtime for my Little Boy

Wynken, Blynken and Nod by Eugene Field
Wynken, Blynken, and Nod one nightSailed off in a wooden shoe —Sailed on a river of crystal light,Into a sea of dew."Where are you going, and what do you wish?"The old moon asked the three."We have come to fish for the herring fishThat live in this beautiful sea;Nets of silver and gold have we!"Said Wynken, Blynken, and Nod.
The old moon laughed and sang a song,As they rocked in the wooden shoe,And the wind that sped them all night longRuffled the waves of dew.The little stars were the herring fishThat lived in that beautiful sea —"Now cast your nets wherever you wish —Never afeard are we";So cried the stars to the fishermen three:Wynken, Blynken, and Nod.
All night long their nets they threwTo the stars in the twinkling foam —Then down from the skies came the wooden shoe,Bringing the fishermen home;'Twas all so pretty a sail it seemedAs if it could not be,And some folks thought 'twas a dream they'd dreamedOf sailing that beautiful sea —But I shall name you the fishermen three:Wynken, Blynken, and Nod.
Wynken and Blynken are two little eyes,And Nod is a little head,And the wooden shoe that sailed the skiesIs a wee one's trundle-bed.So shut your eyes while mother singsOf wonderful sights that be,And you shall see the beautiful thingsAs you rock in the misty sea,Where the old shoe rocked the fishermen three:Wynken, Blynken, and Nod.

The Sugar-Plum Tree by Eugene Field



Have you ever heard of the Sugar-Plum Tree?
'T is a marvel of great renown!
It blooms on the shore of the Lollipop sea
In the garden of Shut-Eye Town;
The fruit that it bears is so wondrously sweet
(As those who have tasted it say)
That good little children have only to eat
Of that fruit to be happy next day.

When you 've got to the tree, you would have a hard time
To capture the fruit which I sing;
The tree is so tall that no person could climb
To the boughs where the sugar-plums swing!
But up in that tree sits a chocolate cat,
And a gingerbread dog prowls below--
And this is the way you contrive to get at
Those sugar-plums tempting you so:

You say but the word to that gingerbread dog
And he barks with such terrible zest
That the chocolate cat is at once all agog,
As her swelling proportions attest.
And the chocolate cat goes cavorting around
From this leafy limb unto that,
And the sugar-plums tumble, of course, to the ground--
Hurrah for that chocolate cat!

There are marshmallows, gumdrops, and peppermint canes,
With stripings of scarlet or gold,
And you carry away of the treasure that rains
As much as your apron can hold!
So come, little child, cuddle closer to me
In your dainty white nightcap and gown,
And I 'll rock you away to that Sugar-Plum Tree
In the garden of Shut-Eye Town.

Hushabye Time unknown author

It's hushabye time at the edge of the woods,A cricket has told me so.Grandfather Robin is calling goodnight,And surely he ought to know.
Little Tom Chipmunk won't come in at once,A very annoying trait.His mother has chattered and called three times'Come home, it is getting late.'
The youngest deer has gone down for a drink.All children need one, it seems,Just when they ought to be closing their eyesAnd waiting for happy dreams.
A blanket of mist creeps softly about.The fireflies gleam and glow.Oh, it's hushabye time at the edge of the woodA cricket has told me so.

What They Don't Tell You About Being Pregnant (part 2)

What I learned about being pregnant:  If you are not actively bleeding or have a fever, it's normal for being pregnant and it is amazing what you can get used to.
As I look back on the last 9 months, I find that I am glad I did it, I will do it again, but I am sure glad it is done.  Being pregnant is hard work. 

-First Trimester: I found out by feeling like I was going to pass out because I had no blood pressure, then I slept for the next 3 months and forgot how to eat.  I don't really remember a whole lot, just being really, really tired and my sweet husband having to find ways to make me eat.
         Part no one tells you about: How much energy a 1 oz being needs.  I mean- holy cow!
-Second Trimester: This was my favorite time of being pregnant.  I wasn't showing yet, but my boobs came in.  My appetite came back with a vengence, I had energy, and I could feel the little guy move.  The rough part was all the hormonal weird body changes that occur with pregnancy.  I realize now that no one tells you all the weird stuff your body is going to do because no one remembers it starting- by the time third trimester rolls around you are used to it and more crazy stuff is starting.
        Part no one tells you about: the leaking, the bloody noses, the strange smells, the way other people will act toward you once they find out you're pregnant, how much your body image is going to change (and the emotional side of that) and how much it is all going to keep changing...
-Third Trimester: I had no idea how huge I would get.  I would catch my reflection in mirrors and windows and startle with how gigantic I was.  And then I would grow some more.  I got new weird symptoms (like more leaking and swelling) in addition to the ones I had gotten used to.  I now understood why no one had mentioned the second trimester stuff- it was all "normal" to me now and I had more uncomfortable stuff now.  I could feel my hips spreading as he worked his way down.  The jokes about pregnant women having to pee all the time are totally accurate.  I also was so scatter-brained due to the hormones.  It is a cruel joke that nesting and pregnancy-brain occur at the same time.  I organized my whole house and now have no idea where I put things.  (I lost my house keys for a month).  It was stressful waiting for the little guy.  The weekly doctors' appointments, the scheduling of things, contractions, having a stomach that wanted a full meal but could only handle a half meal, the constant kicking, the uncomfortableness.  I couldn't put on my underwear I was so big- I would pull up my knee to get the second leg in and it would hit my stomach.  I had to do this weird frog-leg motion so that I could get dressed, shave my legs, and step up on things.  I did squats to tie my shoes (slip ons were pretty much all I would wear because my feet were so swollen and I didn't have to bend over) and I would run into walls with my stomach because I had to body position sense as to how big I was.  I couldn't hug my husband, nightly heartburn, and I would get so winded going up a flight of stairs since my lungs had no room.  The word to describe the third trimester is uncomfortable.  I was so glad when it came time for labor because I knew all the pregnancy symptoms would disappear. 
           Part no one tells you: Just how freaking uncomfortable it is!  Find out when your inducement date would be from your doctor (most let you go for about a week after your due date)  Use that date instead of your due date as the day you will no longer be pregnant.  It will keep you sane knowing that all of the unpleasantness will be done by that date. 
-Labor:  Oh boy was I unprepared for this.  I mean, I had read the book, talked to my doctor, talked to my mom, heard the stories, and thought I was ready.  You can't be ready for this.  It was the most painful thing I have ever done, the most magical, the physically hardest thing I have done, and the most stressful.  I am still really hoping that they come up with Star Trek transporter technology by the time I have my next one, because I am not so sure I want to do that again. 
          Part no one tells you about: How much each contraction hurts- I thought it was just the pushing that hurt (like in TV) HELL NO! The contractions hurt like crazy, and although they only last a minute, they just keep coming.  And coming.  And coming.  I cried tears of joy when the nurse told me I could have my epidural.  And the thing that really caught me off guard- the shaking/shivering.  I started shaking like a leaf in the wind once I got in the hospital bed and I wasn't cold or scared.  (Alright, I was a little scared)  The doctor said it was the surge of hormones I was feeling.  I shook while I got my epidural, and then when I finally hit 10 cm and got to start pushing, and then when we finished and the placenta was out.  Apparently, normal, but a strange sensation. Oh, and the idea that once you get the head out the baby just kind of "slides out"- complete nonsense.  Those shoulders took a big push.  That placenta took a push too.  It wasn't as big as the head push, but it wasn't something I could do in my sleep either.
-After labor: I got my baby.  Every mom says it, "It's all worth it once you have your baby" and they are cliched but true.  I had trouble giving him to the nurses so I could sleep- if I could have stayed awake and stared at him all night I would have.  I just wanted to hold him and love him from the moment I saw him. 
       Part no one tells you about: How messy this process is.   I literally spurted blood across the room.  I soaked and adult diaper with blood. Twice. I sweated like crazy.  I was glad the hospital gave me gowns, pads, and clean sheets because I sure made a mess.  Also, this part hurts too.  I was glad I could have percocet and ibuprofen.  I am also glad I got stool softeners and drank a lot of water. 

I am so glad I have my little Tater Tot.  He is perfect and wonderful.  His first cries gave me tears of joy.  I would do this again for him.  I was an amazing experience and I learned a lot about myself.  (Cliche I know, but true)  I know my pregnancy served as amazing birth control for many of my friends, and it honestly has given me a greater respect for it and women's health care.  At least I know what to expect (at least a little) with the next one!

Chrysalis

A caterpillar must turn into a chrysalis in order to become a butterfly. It must wait inside, patiently, all winter while it morphs into what it is supposed to be. This year I have been in my chrysalis form.

"Like other types of pupae, the chrysalis stage in most butterflies is one in which there is little movement"- Wikipedia

The 25th year of my life was spent waiting and getting ready for the next step in my life. I failed a class and got kicked out of medical school, got pregnant, and had to come to terms with myself about both. These two things made my quarter century mark a turning point. I can't go back to what was- just as a caterpillar can't go back to being a caterpillar once it has started its change.


"These little groups of cells that start developing very early in the caterpillar's life but then they stall, and so they're just in there waiting, and they don't start growing until the very end of the 5th instar (the last caterpillar stage). Then they start growing really rapidly and differentiating into the different tissues, so that literally the entire internal contents of the caterpillar — the muscles, the entire digestive system, even the heart, even the nervous system — is totally rebuilt." -Learner.org

This is going to be a busy last month of my 25th year on this spinning blue ball:

- My final retake of Neuro is May 4th- this is what kept me from continuing school. It is what put me in an educational/professional/what-am-I-doing-with-my-life holding pattern for a year.
- My Tater is due early May- 9 months of growth and love to start a whole new life. My mom and parents-in-law will be arriving to greet the little guy.

My birthday is at the end of May. I will be out of limbo with what my life is going to look like by then. Even my husband's world should resolve some of its uncertainties by then too. I know what I would like it to look like: back in school, healthy baby, happy husband- my world as a beautiful butterfly full of flowers.

"This shows that the process of metamorphosis consumes a tremendous amount of energy." -Learner.org


It has been a rough year. One full of waiting, growing, learning some hard lessons, confronting some demons, and some more waiting. I have so many doubts and fears, as I'm sure an almost formed butterfly would have (How is this flying thing going to work?... I'm supposed to eat what now?... What if my wings didn't form right?... What if I'm not in the right place?... How do I do all this?...) Needless to say, I am feeling a little anxious right now (What if I fail again? You want a baby to come out of where? I get pain meds right? How will I go to school and be a good mom? When will we be able to have another? How will I pull off traveling for 4th year with a 2 year old and a husband with a job? How will we pull off residency? When am I going to sleep? Is that normal for my body to do that? No, seriously, how is this baby gonna get out- because neither of those two options sound fun. Why did I fail? How will I not fail again? Where are my toes? and my belly-button? What have I gotten myself into? What is this baby going to be like? Am I going to be enough?)

I have some amazing people in my life, so here is hoping to a bright, flower filled future. I have been hanging around in my limbo/pupa stage and the events are finally here that I can emerge. No more waiting. I can do this.



http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pupa
http://www.learner.org/jnorth/tm/monarch/ChrysalisDevelopmentLPB.html

Third Trimester

I now understand why previously pregnant women don't remember all the weird stuff from the second trimester; it is amazing what you can get used to when you have it all the time.

As I start this third trimester, the second trimester stuff is old hat. I have had these minor inconveniences/discomforts for 3 months now and I am used to them. Most of them have become common in my daily life and I don't even think about them any more. Plus, now I have a whole new set of things to complain about- and this stuff is the stuff that the previous pregnant folk remember.
It is really weird to have a basketball in your stomach. I can't put my shorts on the same way any more because when I bend my leg to put it in the second leg hole- it runs into my stomach and so I can't lift it high enough. (It's amusing to watch me get dressed now) I have to bend my knee out to the side instead of straight up to get dressed. Shaving my legs requires some interesting leg positions as again my knees bump my stomach when I bend over. And then the stereotypical stuff of getting off the couch, in and out of cars, and tying shoes is all pretty accurate. Walking is waddling now and I can't squeeze through things like I used to. The pregnant lady swelling is also fun (my feet don't really like this and I had to take off my rings). Tater also puts weird pressures on things (like my ribs and bladder) that make it uncomfortable to stay in any one position for very long. And his kicks are getting stronger (though at least his windup space is decreasing- imagine a strong boxer in really close vs a weak boxer with more distance for his punches to wind up) It is still really cool to feel him move around in there- he is a regular wiggle worm (unless someone is trying to feel him kick- then he pretends he is a statue!) Sleep is harder now- this big belly rolling over requires effort, getting comfortable, Tater kicking all the time, heartburn, congestion, and hormones all make for a lighter sleep and weird dreams. I am getting enough- it just isn't quite what it used to be.

My body image is very strange right now. I am finally getting used to having this different body- I don't start at mirrors and wonder who that person is anymore. I have a belly in about 50% of my dreams, though many times I will be my normal self and then suddenly pregnant and then back again. My subconscious has found some interesting ways to integrate the midnight kicks into my dreams. I am glad I am finally big enough that it is really obvious I am pregnant and not just big. I can't fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes (other than some shirts and comfy stuff) so it is actually really easy to get dressed in the morning. It is still very strange to look in the mirror and see this belly- and that it keeps getting bigger! It is an interesting experience to have this kind of change going on!

I have a new appreciation for fat people. It is hard being this big. I can completely understand why they don't want to go to the gym- just moving the extra weight is a workout in itself. Plus, clothes don't fit well (though there is a really big difference in pregnant lady clothes and fat lady clothes- namely fat ladies are big all over whereas pregnant ladies are just big in one spot- it actually makes a big deal of difference in the cut). I only have to deal with having this extra size for a few more months- I can't imagine having it all the time with no real purpose for it. I know that being 30 lbs overweight and being 30 lbs pregnant are very different, but it has been an illuminating experience to feel this big. ( And I still have 8 weeks to go)

Pregnancy is a series of minor discomforts leading to a really big discomfort. I think this trimester is Mother Nature's way of making sure you are ready to get this over with. I am excited to get my body back- to be able to exercise, eat tuna, have some wine, be able to take medicines again, and to be able to lay on my stomach again. To have my body be "normal" again will be very nice- plus I will have my Tater. Here goes trimester 3!

Quilts!

So...
In order to stay sane while pregnant and out of school, I have taken up quilting. It is wonderful to have something to keep my hands busy and creative while getting a sense of accomplishment out of finishing one. I have enjoyed it and so I am displaying my work :)

1st quilt: A jelly roll and a charm pack - I pretty much made up the pattern, with some online inspiration.
Size: Throw Finished 9/2011


2nd quilt: Christmas Quilt in an Irish Chain pattern. I then quilted the "boxes" and put some gold snowflakes in a pattern on the white backing.
Size: Queen Finished 2/2012

It took from October to the end of February to finish this- I don't think I will be doing one this big again for a while. Not to mention I ended up sewing everything twice because the way the chains fall apart due to the way they are supposed to be cut to be sewn together into the correct pattern.
There are 17 "snowflakes" on the back in gold


3rd Quilt: Water Quilt. This one is made out of fabric generously donated to me by my quilting mentor (aka mother in law). It is based off a pattern called "Stars and Stripes Forever" in Easy Quilts Magazine. Instead of doing the red, white, and blue pattern with stars, I did a dark blue, white/light blue, turquoise/light blue pattern.
Size: Throw Finished: 3/2012


It may not be very clear, but the back looks really cool with a double stitch quilting along the "waves". I am very pleased with how this one came out.

The cats also had their input-


What good assistants.....

Frustrated

Grrrr....
Arrrgghhhh

What they don't tell you about being pregnant.....

Ah Pregnancy.

I have learned that no one tells you anything about it. The movies lie. All the women who have gone through it have forcibly removed certain memories of it and the rest won't tell you all the stuff that happens to your body because if they did, no one would ever get pregnant. I have gotten so many, "Oh yeah- I forgot about that part" and "Don't worry- that symptom you have that we would normally run lots of tests for is now considered normal". It is a pretty amazing experience, but it is not really comfortable all the time.

First of all, the first trimester is rough. I was very lucky and never got the morning sickness part- I just lost my appetite completely. I remember walking into a bakery and looking at a table full of amazing food, and thinking, "None of that looks appetizing. It should look good, but I really don't want to eat any of it". It was a very strange feeling not to want to eat anything. Hubby literally had to tell me to eat and then make sure I actually did it because I would eat half my sandwich and get bored and stop. I had really low blood pressure (90/54 sitting down after 30 mins of sitting quietly) which is normal apparently. I slept 14 hours a day (also normal). I was so glad not to be in school because I never would have made it to class- I would sleep 10 hours, get up and go to the couch to sleep/doze for another 4, get up and go back to bed. I lost 5 pounds (which is normal) and I just remember being really dizzy and tired all the time. The rest is a blur (probably from being dizzy and tired all the time- also normal).

Second trimester is way more fun. I hit 13 weeks and it was like someone remembered to turn on my body. I suddenly only was sleeping 10 hours and didn't want to sit on the couch anymore. Food was yummy again(especially salty stuff). I got a job because I didn't want to sit still anymore. I felt like I had gotten over a really bad flu and was finally feeling better. The part they don't tell you about here is what your body is doing in response to the fact that something very delicate is growing in you. All your bodily secretions increase. ALL of them. Things that are now considered normal are: bloody noses, increased salivation, increased eye gunk, increased other orifice gunk (yes all orifices), increased acne, increased hair growth (legs, arms, eyebrows, upper-lip, stomach, feet, head- you name it, it gets darker/increased hair growth), increased nail growth, hormone surges (yup- random crying does occur), heartburn, leg cramps, skin irritation, constipation, tighter shoes, sore boobs, weird skin spots, and random cramps and pains. I only complain because something happens and I think to myself, "huh, I've never had that happen before" only to find out that this weird thing is considered normal and will just continue to increase as the baby grows. Most of them are either protective for the baby (all the increased gunk helps keep bacteria out) or the result of hormones (why my skin looks like I am 15 again). It is fascinating to find out what changes my body is doing to accommodate and protect the little guy- and how much weird stuff can be considered normal!

One thing that is very strange is how much the baby moves. It is a strange sensation to begin with- it feels like your intestines shift, or a bubble popped inside of your lower stomach. As it keeps increasing in intensity and frequency, I am constantly surprised at how much he moves! It catches me off guard right now, but soon I know I will feel it all the time. I have even started incorporating it into my dreams (I was a spy who was suddenly pregnant- luckily that didn't interfere with my spy plans). I am so excited for him to get a little stronger so that other people can feel him move.

Overall, I understand why people don't remember this weird uncomfortable stuff. The fact that there is a little person growing inside of you, that you love them so much just for being alive, that you are growing something with so much potential, that it is worth it. The strange uncomfortableness is worth it. I am sure that I will find more things that I am not too fond of (like the heartburn kicking in right now and my organs being used as punching bags) but Tater is worth it. I would go through a lot more uncomfortableness for this little guy and I haven't even met him yet. The awesomeness of the child overshadows the little discomforts. I am only half way through the process, but I wouldn't want to stop now- things are just going to get better (and more weird).

I love my baby.

Holiday Card

'Tis the season for holiday cards- but since I am not writing one this year, I figured I should at least put this year down in writing somewhere.

2011 started out like most years- Some friends (and their significant others) took me out for New Years Eve fun. I got kissed on the cheek by both significant others since mine was still overseas, I broke a kitchen lamp with a champagne cork, and we had a wonderful time. I am hoping for as much fun this year- though it will be with less alcohol.

My Hubby came home in time for Medical School "Prom" which made me incredibly happy. He settled into Iowa life fairly quickly and school progressed as planned. I LOVE LOVE LOVE having him home. It is the best thing in the world to wake up and find him there and not have a time delay when talking to him. I will trade my "clean" house for his boy cooties any day of the week and be getting the better end of the bargain. I will spare you all the lovey-dovey-ness, but I love that man more everyday and I am SOOOO glad to have him home.

All was going as planned and then I failed Neuro. That was pretty much the big game changer for the year- it disrupted all our plans for a while, but I am hoping that it turns out to be a blessing in disguise. Insert cliche about a silver lining, sunny side of street, etc here. It has provided some interesting opportunities though.

During the summer I did some traveling. I went with 3 amazing medical school friends to Florida and we hung out on the #1 beach in the world for 2011 for a weekend. It was a amazing- we spent all day in the water hunting for sand dollars and then screamed like tweens at a boy band concert when we saw wild dolphins. We ate well, drank well, burned into well done, and even had a hospital visit (turned out fine).
Hubby and I then went to the Dominican Republic for 10 days with a friend from Canada. It was an all-inclusive place, with a swim up bar, and fantastic weather. We did a dune-buggy outing into the jungle- complete with cock fight, school visit, horseback riding, and homemade DR lunch- as well as a really fun Booze-cruise tour. The booze cruise started with some animal interactions at the marine park (a fur seal, stingrays and nurse sharks- we unfortunately couldn't touch the nurse sharks since it was mating season, but just swimming above them was pretty cool) and then snorkeling (with blue fish!) and then lots of rum in a quiet bay. It was so much fun to drink anything, eat everything, and dance all the time. I highly recommend the DR for a good time.
When we returned stateside, we went home to Colorado for the 4th and saw family, friends, and all Hubby's military buddies. Those guys crack me up to no end. I shot a 50 caliber hand-cannon (and hit the target dead on), went bar-hopping with all the guys, hung out with family and friends, and ate Big City Burrito. It was nice to go home and see everyone.

Since I didn't go back to school in the fall, we started a "boot-camp" workout class. Four times a week with high intensity drills and weights was kicking my butt into shape, until the last week when I started getting really really dizzy anytime my heart rate went up. I was a little concerned since I was trying to join the Military reserves, so we did some tests and it turns out I was pregnant! (Needless to say, the military idea was out.)

Pregnancy has been fun so far- growing a life takes a surprising amount of energy! I am still amazed at how much energy a 3oz life-form needs. We are so incredibly excited for Tater-Tot to arrive at the end of April. He is doing well so far (yes a HE) and the doctors say he is growing nicely and all the tests come back normal :) (Probably the only time this kid will ever be "normal"!) Hubby talks to "Tater" every day and he got to feel him kick:) It is a very strange sensation to have your insides moving around- I can't wait to have this little guy to cuddle with!

I started working at the Starbucks at Target for a seasonal position. I finally hit the second trimester and no longer wanted to sit around the house (there is only so much Netflix a person can handle). It has been a good experience. I made some cash, made some friends, and have had my need to finish school firmly implanted once again. I finish up next week and I am excited to start studying again.

That pretty much wraps up this year. Next year is looking pretty bright- there is an open seat in the class of 2015 (I just need a >80% for neuro and I am in), Tater will be joining the world, Hubby has some good job prospects in the works, my sister may come out to live in Iowa land (keep your fingers crossed! I want a free baby-sitter!), and life is looking good.

I wish you all a wonderful New Year and I pray and hope that your lives are blessed with happiness and opportunities (the obviously good kind- not the silver lining kind). Happy Holidays!

Fall

I love the Fall.
Fall makes me feel hopeful and full of life. Something about the way fall smells, the way the light comes in, the activity, makes me feel alive and wonderful. I love the crisp smell of cooler temps and changing plants, and the way the sun slants in more orange and yellow during the afternoon. I love the cool breezes and the sounds the trees make as they prepare to sleep. I love the buzz of activity around fall- the football, the schools starting, hearing the band, the apples and pumpkins in a frenzied growth. I love the food and the celebrations. I love getting to wear jeans and sweatshirts and sleeping under covers, but it still being warm enough to play outside. I love the spurts of warm days, summer trying to get out all its sun before going to rest, and the days where it is cold and rainy- winter practicing before the frost comes.

I am also ready to be back in school. The break was nice- sleeping and low stress was nice, but now I am ready to be active again, to do things again. Unfortunately, I have another 6 months before I get to try again. I thought about taking classes at the local community college this fall, but my heart just wasn't in it. I didn't want to take Finance 101 just because I need something to do. I wish I could just fast forward to May and see what the future has in store. I have a lingering fear that I will fail again (though that would take some trying on my part), but I still want things to be settled.

I know I have some life changes coming up, I wish I felt more prepared for most of them. My 25th year of life is a year of waiting for the changes to take place. A year of being a chrysalis. Being a chrysalis takes a surprising amount of stamina and optimism- waiting out the changes and being hopeful that you made the right decisions- knowing that you have to live with them regardless- but still being excited.

Fall always reminds me of band. I have so many wonderful memories of after school practice in the fall- the sun slipping behind the mountains as we practiced on the parking lot- music, laughter, weird concoctions of Gatorade, sunglasses, movement. I remember football games with hotdogs and chips, being either too hot or too cold, but cheering like we cared. I remember riding home on the bus with Queen playing on the speakers, the pleather seats sticky in the afternoon heat and slippery with the evening cold. I remember tucking our plumes up our sleeves and watching the freshmen try to figure out how their "plumes were untied". I remember Dinkles shoes and lounging in the band hallway in the afternoon sun. I remember mornings in the gray sun in that hallway, and the smell of paper and books. I remember hating some days, but knowing that I would always come back. I only really remember the good things now- even the bad things are remembered as a growth. There are still things that make me angry, sad, and uncomfortable, but even those provided a growing experience. I remember feeling that I could accomplish anything and that things were easy. Fall always makes me feel that way again.

Too Damn Hot

Last night at midnight the heat index was almost 100 degrees. Right now, it is indexed at 117 (97 with 54% humidity). I woke up at 6 am this morning, thinking maybe it would be more comfortable, but it was still a heat index of over 90 (82 degrees and 82%).

I have wanted to go running for the past week, but it is so hot outside that just looking outside makes me get uncomfortable. I know that there are still people who are out running in that, but I feel so miserable being that hot that it stops being fun, and the whole point of running for me is stress relief. (Getting in shape is just an awesome benefit.) I want to get in shape- but since I haven't run since I went on vacation, I am out of shape again, and the heat just makes it worse. I miss Colorado summer- the dry heat that disappears as soon as the sun sets. It stays hot all night long- it doesn't drop below 80 most nights. I wish there was a local lap pool to go swim at, but the closest is the Y and that is not walking distance. I don't really understand why Des Moines doesn't have any pools considering how hot it is here...

I can't wait for the cooler days to start, I miss being in school to have something to do, and I don't know what to do with myself most days. I spend a lot of time reading, and I have started drawing again. I have some ideas for some classes this fall at the local community college, but it is hard getting excited for something that really doesn't seem like it will make a difference. I am just treading water until I can get started again. I hate that.

I swear I didn't pray for patience...

Life Lessons Suck

Sometimes you have to touch the stove to know that it is hot and will burn you.

I failed Neuroanatomy and as a result was academically dismissed- and cannot rejoin the class of 2014. It is a two credit course (of course the shortest one of the year) I am not entirely sure how or why I failed it. I have enough excuses- Sean being home, a different kind of studying, weather, medications, death of my dog, traveling, and other random excuses- but the fact is that I failed. I didn't do what was necessary and I slacked off and didn't take it seriously.

So, what does this mean?
I appealed the decision, and as a result I have to retake the class in the spring, pass with >80%, and then I can rejoin the class of 2015 (as long as space is available). This means I have a year off of school, my loans come due, and I have to find something to do until next year. I know that I can do this. I can pass this class, or I literally will die trying, and there is always someone who decides not to continue so I will have a spot. The hard part for me is going to be the finding something that will keep my brain in school mode, somehow pay or delay the loans, and keep myself busy.

I hate failing. It is one of my fears in life- that I will fail. I hate the shame that comes along with it- having to tell my friends and family that I failed, that I am not as smart as I seem, that I didn't live up to my potential kills me on the inside. I think I hate the shame and embarrassment of failing more than the actual failing.

I am mad at myself for allowing this to happen. I am putting this up on my blog so that it is there for the world to see and to help me overcome my embarrassment at not being perfect. This is something that I am going to have to explain a lot in my life and I might as well start now. I would rather be open and honest and tell everyone then leave it bottled up inside to fester and infect my spirit. The more used to telling people about this I get, the easier it will be in the future.

I am trying to look at this positively- I know that God only puts obstacles in our paths that we can overcome and I thoroughly believe that everything happens for a reason- even if we never find out what that reason was. I am determined to look at this as a growth experience and an opportunity to learn something. I know that this will make me more intent of my studies when they resume and that this may be a blessing in disguise. I just wish that God had decided to make the lesson a little less harsh to learn. I hate feeling stupid and I hate being in limbo land waiting for something to happen.

I know I am smart enough to do this, and that it is still something that I want to do. I will get through it, and hopefully this will turn out to be the opportunity of a lifetime. I am searching for that silver-lining.


Appropriate cliches:
-When you kick down an ant hill, they build it up stronger
-Try, Try, Try again
-You made your bed, now you have to sleep in it
-Thomas Edison had 1000 failures and only one success, but that is why we have the light-bulb
- Failures are pivotal moments that force you to take a different path - a path to a better place
-“Failure doesn’t mean you are a failure…it just means you haven’t succeeded yet,”
-“if you’re not failing, you’re not trying. You learn how the world works when you fail.
-Get back up on that horse after it kicks you off
- If it was easy, everyone would do it
-Light at the end of the tunnel
- Almost any sports analogy

Summer....

Well, first year is finished.
I am pretty much done with my first year of medical school which blows my mind. I can't believe that one year ago, I was getting ready to move out of Colorado and to this crazy place called Iowa to go learn how to take care of feet.
So much has changed and yet stayed the same.
I made some amazing friends this year- it seems strange to think that one year ago I didn't know any of the people who I now am in constant contact. I feel as though I have known them for years, though I suppose if you break down the credits this year it was more like 2 years of school crammed into one. From randomly sitting down at a picnic table because they looked friendly, to early morning coffee, to study sessions, to ski trips, to tests, to Florida, and all the dinners, I would have been a basket case without them. (Not that I am not already a basket case- I would just be a BIGGER basket case)
My handsome husband came home in February. It has been so wonderful to have him home. As I am writing this, he is sleeping in the other room and it seems as though he never left- that last year was just this odd dream and I woke up and found him right where he is supposed to be. I hated having him so far away, but in hindsight, it was the perfect timing as school kept me busy enough that I didn't have time to do anything else.
I started running this year. Me, who was the slowest person on the track team (I only really joined because of a crush and a friend convinced me to try it) actually enjoys running now. I am still ridiculously slow, but I am working on distance now instead of speed. I will never win any races or win any competitions, but I can now earn the $50 race t-shirt and get in shape. I am currently working on a half marathon with the goal to do a full. Where I used to hate running I am finding myself- it is time that I don't have to think, be or do- time where nothing but moving matters. Stress powers my legs in ways unrequited crushes never could. I am currently up to 8 miles- it takes almost 2 hours (yes I realize people walk faster than that) but I enjoy it. I have lost 10 lbs doing it, so I am back to my sophomore year of college weight, but in way better shape than I have been for a long time. (I can run a mile in 9 minutes easily now- my fastest time in high school was 9:30)
School is school. You learn, cram, recite, cram, and then try desperately to remember again. It sticks better if you have heard it once (a big thank you to my AP bio teacher- that stuff STILL comes in handy). I am really enjoying learning all this stuff, though I am ready to get out of the books and actually learn stuff that is useful. They say that it gets better after first year- and to be honest, it wasn't as awful as I imagined it could be. (Don't get me wrong- there were days where I banged my head against the table, drank WAY too much caffeine, and gave serious thought to joining the circus) A big part of why I didn't go batty (er) was that I was with people who took it seriously, but also enjoyed life. The best advice I got was a lecturer who said he was on the bottom of the class "because someone has to hold up the top half" and yet he still got a great residency, had a family, and is successful. The difference between the A and the B isn't worth my sanity or missing out on my friends and family.

A random enough entry- a nice collection of my thoughts this evening. Perhaps I may keep this up this summer, or try to. I feel a need to describe Iowa- but that is best left for another day.

Medical School is Hard

Medical school is hard. The material itself hasn't been too terribly challenging (I mean, I understand most of it) what is killing me is the volume. I had a test 2 weeks in on stuff that took us 4 months to get through in undergrad. Each test is the equivalent of a final exam. The details, and the massive amount of memorization are the hardest part.

I have been having some crisis of faith the past couple of days. I realized I will graduate and be done with residency when I am 31 years old. That seems so old to me- I still view myself as the 19 year old kid- and 31 (while still young in the grand scheme of things) is suddenly a lot closer than I thought it was. I want to have kids sometime in the near future, and the timing is difficult to plan with school and residency. I know that this is where I am supposed to be- things fell into place so easily and perfectly for it not to be the right place- I am just afraid that life will be different than what I imagined. I didn't really understand what I was signing up for when I got into this. It is exciting and scary and totally overwhelming. I set out thinking that this would be a great challenge and I am discovering the mountain I picked is a lot taller up close.

I do enjoy it though- I am loving going to school and studying with friends. I have made some really good friends here and I am enjoying it. The stress is pretty constant, but I am learning how to deal with it and I know it is making me stronger. (Though the gray hairs are multiplying). I am motivated by the fact that so many doctors tell me that the first year is the worst and once I get through it, the school part is great. It keeps me motivated when I look forward at the nightmare barrage of tests in October. Oy.

Biochem test 3 on Monday and our first anatomy exam on Friday. At least amino acids just help the TCA cycle (my dreaded nemesis) so they aren't the bane of my existence (just friends with it). The brachial plexus is evil and nerves really should just innervate everything and not specific things. That would make life easier. :D (yeah yeah I know they are important)

Hopefully, I can pull these off- time to stop procrastinating and work on my study guides and flash cards.... If only I could get my notes a news feed on Facebook- then I would learn something every time I checked it.... I would know my notes in no time!

European Honeymoon

First, I love my husband. He has been working so hard and is supporting me through moving, school, and general life transitions; in addition, he had to deal with my first attempt at overseas travel. The important things that I learned: 1. Look at the map before you book a hotel. 2. If you have the option of flying or the train- fly. 3. Stay in one city as much as possible. 4. Europeans don't pee even though they drink wine like water- that is why there are no bathrooms anywhere. 5. Europeans have no idea how to get through security. The reason you have to be there an hour before boarding time (instead of 45 mins in the US) is because they have no clue. 6. Paris drivers are nuts- I am never allowed to drive in Paris.

So here is the trip :D

Paris:
My husband arrived in Paris a day before me, so he stayed at The Kube Hotel. It is ice-cube themed with an ice bar, so everything is square with cold climate accents. He had a blast, so much so that we changed reservations to stay there later in the trip. I arrived the next day, and my wonderful Love met me at the airport. We rode the Roissy (pronounced Waussy) Bus to the Arc de Triomphe Hilton. All the Hiltons that we stayed at were a gift from my dad as he had lots of points to give us :) (Thanks Dad!) The hotel was nice (Orbitz charges around 500 Euro a night), but if you ever go to Paris, there are much nicer hotels for much less. It was all location-not the niceness of the hotel. That night we went to the Arc, and walked the Champs Elysees (and got everything we wanted- Dinner!).

Versailles:
The next day we stayed at the Palace of Triannon in Versailles. It was GORGEOUS. We walked the pleasure gardens of King Louis and walked by the palaces of the King and Marie Antoinette. There is a big man-made lake that we walked around looking at the baby swans (which Husband insisted on calling ugly ducklings...) There was a dog swimming in one of the small ponds- I am pretty sure King Louis was rolling in his grave....
That night we went on a dinner cruise down the Seine. We had a bottle of champagne and wine and took in the sites (The Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, Statue of Liberty, and more). We were right in the front of the boat, so we had spectacular views of everything.

Barcelona:
We took a plane in the morning to Barcelona. The city is beautiful and the Spanish are more friendly than the French. We stayed at the Hilton near the dock, and had an ocean view room:) We walked around the mall, and I got to speak real Spanish!


Cruise:
This was my favorite part of the trip. It was the best way to see Italy (especially because I don't speak Italian) and everyone on the ship spoke English, I didn't have to worry about food, unpacking, water, or activities.

Monte Carlo, Monaco: We docked with yachts. Multi-billion dollar yachts- Mel Gibson's yacht was there. Then we took the Bateaux Bus (Boat Bus) across the harbor, and walked up to Monte Carlo. We had drinks in the Hotel next to the casino, and then watched them filming "Casino Story" (working title) while we waited for the casino to open. We went in, and payed our 10 Euro to gamble (that is how ritzy this casino is- you have to be dressed up too!) We played black jack and roulette and felt like James Bond! It was awesome. Afterwords, we walked around the city and I looked at the cars. I have never seen so many nice cars ever. And not BMW or Mercedes nice- Lamborghini, Rolls Royce- AMAZING cars. And the even more amazing part- they were dirty because the people there actually drive them. That is true wealth, when you drive your $100,000+ car to run errands and don't mind that it is dirty.

Pisa: Husband took me to see the Leaning Tower and I took a ton of pictures. The buildings are so beautiful and easy to photograph. The white stones and Saints are gorgeous and we of course got the obligatory picture of Husband pushing the tower back up:) There are these amazing trees on the drive there and back- Pine Umbrella Trees. They are very unique looking, and are everywhere. It was a beautiful place. When we got back to the boat, Husband went and played poker. He had gotten third place in the tournament the night before, and was determined to get first. He did- and then cleaned up in a cash game after.

Rome: We took a tour into Rome. (It is a 1 hr 45 min bus ride inland) We saw the Colosseum (SO COOL), the Forum (where Julius was buried at one point), Trevi Fountain (yes I did throw in coins for a wish), and the Vatican. The Vatican was so ornate and stunning it almost made me want to be Catholic. Almost. :D Rome was such a beautiful city- so much to see and do. I was so glad to have a tour guide or I would have been ridiculously lost and I got to learn a ton.

Napoli: We climbed Mt. Vesuvius! They bused us up most of the way, but we climbed up the the top and looked down into the crater. The Valerian was in bloom, so the entire mountain and bus trip had this amazing sweet smell. Vesuvius is the world's most dangerous volcano right now, as it is set to go off any time now. It used to have a vent, but the last big eruption sealed it- which is bad because that means it will explode instead of just lava-ing- and there are 3 million people living near it. We could see the steam coming out of the rocks. Real Italian pizza for lunch and then we went down to Pompeii and walked around a city that is from 79AD. Amazing place- the art in the houses, on the walls, and even the streets was amazing. It was fascinating- and tragic- the people had horrible deaths. It was a beautiful place with so much to learn.
We had all-you-can-eat Sushi that night. Yum! And we went to the "White Hot Party" that night and boogied down because we could sleep in the next day!

Sea Day! This was such a nice relaxing day. We made friends with Amy from Canada (and her parents) and so we hung out with her and relaxed in the beautiful waters of the Mediterranean. Yummy Italian food for dinner, with amazing Tiramisu for dessert.

Palma de Mallorca: This is part of the Balearic Islands (same chain as Ibiza) Amy and her family went with us to the beach. It is apparently a big German tourist destination, so everyone on the beach was speaking German. They had these buckets for sale. For 11 Euro, we got a big bucket, a bottle of coconut rum, orange juice mixer, ice, and straws. We also got one with vodka and lemon-lime mixer for a little more. It got all of us very happy. The boys were enjoying the European "scenery". Amy and I got tattoos. (Don't worry- they were just Henna!) and we all got a little sunburned- but it was a GREAT beach day! It was the perfect way to end the cruise.


Cannes: We took the train from Barcelona to Cannes (14 hours of it). It was a long day, but the countryside of France is beautiful. Tons of grapes, hay, and produce.
We stayed here for 2 nights, and did go to the beach. For being one of the most famous topless beaches- no one was topless. It was beautiful weather though, and we had fun walking around and eating lots of pizza. (I had pizza with smoked salmon on it!)

Paris (again): We took the train back to Paris, and stayed in the Kube. It is a unique place! Fake fur accents (curtains, upholstery, even the elevator!) and a fingerprint based key system so you never forget your key. We went to the ice bar and had vodka drinks. You get a coat and mittens, and then 4 different vodka cocktails and then one of your favorite. The drinks were: Bubblegum (tasted like grape bubble gum), Blueberry, Mint/Basil (my favorite), and Chocolate. I know, why wasn't the chocolate my favorite? It was dark chips with a shot of straight vodka. It was good, but brutal. The mint/basil one had a fresh sweet taste- I could have had that all night! Then we stayed at the Charles de Gaulle Hilton. We stayed in and just enjoyed our last two days together. We got room service (fun!). We also had the best meal of the trip. We went to a restaurant called "The Place". OH YUM. I had escargot (mmmmm) and Husband got a artichoke salad. I have never had a salad as good as this. (The chef wouldn't give us any hints on what the dressing was though) Then I had Sea Bass in a butter sauce (I think I died for a moment and went to heaven eating that) Husband had filet mignon. I also had the best mojito I have ever had in my life. It even had a sparkler in it! Creme brulee for dessert (lit on fire in front of me!) It was SO good.

The next day we had to return to reality. I missed my flight (oops) but I got home safe. Husband made it back safe too. Overall, it was an amazing trip. I can't believe it is over. At least I only have to wait 6 months for my Husband to come home!

Waiting for the Speeding Freight Train to Hit

I am suddenly on the down slope of waiting for the summer.

Waiting is a funny thing- you think that you will be waiting forever, and then suddenly you look up and the thing you were waiting for is suddenly so close and you have no time. Right after the panic attack is finishing, you realize you actually have a little bit more time to wait, and the next thing you know, the thing you were waiting for has passed.

I finished EMT school at the beginning of May, and the 12 hours I thought I might get back a week, have never really returned. My house seriously looks like a disaster area- FEMA has stopped by twice actually. It doesn't help that I don't really have furniture right now- I have sold most of it so I don't have to ship it to Iowa. I will still have to ship some of it, but I am hoping to fit it all into a tag along or a small U-haul. Still lots of work left before I move though- I am in the awkward state where you should start packing, but if you can pack it you don't need it and should get rid of it, so everything is just waiting to be packed...

So, for now, I am waiting. I can see the freight train barreling down towards me, but I am still far enough away to think I have time before it gets to me. That's the thing about trains though- they come up faster on you than you thought they were*. I have all this fun for summer, and then I am hoping to have enough momentum to get through my first semester of medical school. I have a little more than a month before I am in Europe and need to have everything done. I can't believe how much I need to do, and how much I still need to wait to do.

I have definitely learned something in my life from this. Life is about waiting. I work in a waiting room, where people's lives change (or don't) in the space of hours, but those hours seem like days to the people waiting. But the time that isn't spent waiting, flies by without waiting for you to catch it. Waiting makes things feel like they last forever, but the not waiting, never waits. There is meaning in that, but you have to wait to find it. ;p


*True fact- people are used to judging distance and speed based on cars- the narrowness of the train tracks tricks people into thinking the train is farther away than it really is- so they try to outrun the train and fail

The Beginning

So.... Blogging....

Beginnings are hard. Transitions are hard. Transitions are really just beginnings in disguise.

You never know when you start with a beginning where you are actually going to end up. As Bilbo Baggins once said, “ It's a dangerous business, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no telling where you might be swept off to."

This is a blog about my life. As I am embarking on a new journey, this will be a good way for me to keep in touch with my friends who I don't get to see as often as I would like- especially as I head off. It is also a good venting ground for me to get my thoughts out and get opinions without forcing everyone to deal with me:)

My life as it currently stands:

1. My husband and best friend is currently deployed with the army to Afghanistan. He is doing construction stuff according to the army- but good luck getting a straight answer out of them. He should be coming home sometime near February.

2. I will be attending Des Moines University in the Fall for their Podiatry program. It is a four year program with 2-3 years of residency, at the end of which I will be able to fix feet, do surgeries, and get to say, "Trust me- I'm a doctor!"

3. I am currently working at Medical Center of the Rockies in the Peri-op Dept. (Pre and post surgery) We just hired for my position as I will be leaving in June to get ready to go to school. I work with literally the best people in the world. I go to work for them- they keep me from losing my marbles most days (or at least distract me with shiny objects so I don't realize I have lost them!)

4. I will be going to Europe to see my Handsome Husband the last week of June. Two weeks won't nearly be enough, but it will get me through for a little while. Besides- it will be a great trip:)

5. I have to move myself to Iowa.

6. I have two cats (Athena and Shiva) who drive me bonkers, but give the best cuddles. They make my apartment home.

7. I started going to a yoga class at my gym and I am hooked. I wish they had yoga class everyday. I wish I could go to a gym class everyday.

8. I am just finishing my EMT class. I got to spend 10 hours on a fire truck, an ambulance, and in the ER. It was so much fun and it makes me want to do more- emergencies are fun when you are the one getting to fix them.

9. I am a bridesmaid this summer:) So excited- it will be a blast!

10. I love life. It keeps changing and never stops. It is like a stream- always changing and always constant and capable of flash flooding you into a new place at any time. Life is never boring unless you make it that way.

So, here goes!