Chrysalis

A caterpillar must turn into a chrysalis in order to become a butterfly. It must wait inside, patiently, all winter while it morphs into what it is supposed to be. This year I have been in my chrysalis form.

"Like other types of pupae, the chrysalis stage in most butterflies is one in which there is little movement"- Wikipedia

The 25th year of my life was spent waiting and getting ready for the next step in my life. I failed a class and got kicked out of medical school, got pregnant, and had to come to terms with myself about both. These two things made my quarter century mark a turning point. I can't go back to what was- just as a caterpillar can't go back to being a caterpillar once it has started its change.


"These little groups of cells that start developing very early in the caterpillar's life but then they stall, and so they're just in there waiting, and they don't start growing until the very end of the 5th instar (the last caterpillar stage). Then they start growing really rapidly and differentiating into the different tissues, so that literally the entire internal contents of the caterpillar — the muscles, the entire digestive system, even the heart, even the nervous system — is totally rebuilt." -Learner.org

This is going to be a busy last month of my 25th year on this spinning blue ball:

- My final retake of Neuro is May 4th- this is what kept me from continuing school. It is what put me in an educational/professional/what-am-I-doing-with-my-life holding pattern for a year.
- My Tater is due early May- 9 months of growth and love to start a whole new life. My mom and parents-in-law will be arriving to greet the little guy.

My birthday is at the end of May. I will be out of limbo with what my life is going to look like by then. Even my husband's world should resolve some of its uncertainties by then too. I know what I would like it to look like: back in school, healthy baby, happy husband- my world as a beautiful butterfly full of flowers.

"This shows that the process of metamorphosis consumes a tremendous amount of energy." -Learner.org


It has been a rough year. One full of waiting, growing, learning some hard lessons, confronting some demons, and some more waiting. I have so many doubts and fears, as I'm sure an almost formed butterfly would have (How is this flying thing going to work?... I'm supposed to eat what now?... What if my wings didn't form right?... What if I'm not in the right place?... How do I do all this?...) Needless to say, I am feeling a little anxious right now (What if I fail again? You want a baby to come out of where? I get pain meds right? How will I go to school and be a good mom? When will we be able to have another? How will I pull off traveling for 4th year with a 2 year old and a husband with a job? How will we pull off residency? When am I going to sleep? Is that normal for my body to do that? No, seriously, how is this baby gonna get out- because neither of those two options sound fun. Why did I fail? How will I not fail again? Where are my toes? and my belly-button? What have I gotten myself into? What is this baby going to be like? Am I going to be enough?)

I have some amazing people in my life, so here is hoping to a bright, flower filled future. I have been hanging around in my limbo/pupa stage and the events are finally here that I can emerge. No more waiting. I can do this.



http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pupa
http://www.learner.org/jnorth/tm/monarch/ChrysalisDevelopmentLPB.html