Becoming....

Becoming what I am meant to be

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Bedtime for my Little Boy

Wynken, Blynken and Nod by Eugene Field
Wynken, Blynken, and Nod one nightSailed off in a wooden shoe —Sailed on a river of crystal light,Into a sea of dew."Where are you going, and what do you wish?"The old moon asked the three."We have come to fish for the herring fishThat live in this beautiful sea;Nets of silver and gold have we!"Said Wynken, Blynken, and Nod.
The old moon laughed and sang a song,As they rocked in the wooden shoe,And the wind that sped them all night longRuffled the waves of dew.The little stars were the herring fishThat lived in that beautiful sea —"Now cast your nets wherever you wish —Never afeard are we";So cried the stars to the fishermen three:Wynken, Blynken, and Nod.
All night long their nets they threwTo the stars in the twinkling foam —Then down from the skies came the wooden shoe,Bringing the fishermen home;'Twas all so pretty a sail it seemedAs if it could not be,And some folks thought 'twas a dream they'd dreamedOf sailing that beautiful sea —But I shall name you the fishermen three:Wynken, Blynken, and Nod.
Wynken and Blynken are two little eyes,And Nod is a little head,And the wooden shoe that sailed the skiesIs a wee one's trundle-bed.So shut your eyes while mother singsOf wonderful sights that be,And you shall see the beautiful thingsAs you rock in the misty sea,Where the old shoe rocked the fishermen three:Wynken, Blynken, and Nod.

The Sugar-Plum Tree by Eugene Field




Have you ever heard of the Sugar-Plum Tree?
'T is a marvel of great renown!
It blooms on the shore of the Lollipop sea
In the garden of Shut-Eye Town;
The fruit that it bears is so wondrously sweet
(As those who have tasted it say)
That good little children have only to eat
Of that fruit to be happy next day.

When you 've got to the tree, you would have a hard time
To capture the fruit which I sing;
The tree is so tall that no person could climb
To the boughs where the sugar-plums swing!
But up in that tree sits a chocolate cat,
And a gingerbread dog prowls below--
And this is the way you contrive to get at
Those sugar-plums tempting you so:

You say but the word to that gingerbread dog
And he barks with such terrible zest
That the chocolate cat is at once all agog,
As her swelling proportions attest.
And the chocolate cat goes cavorting around
From this leafy limb unto that,
And the sugar-plums tumble, of course, to the ground--
Hurrah for that chocolate cat!

There are marshmallows, gumdrops, and peppermint canes,
With stripings of scarlet or gold,
And you carry away of the treasure that rains
As much as your apron can hold!
So come, little child, cuddle closer to me
In your dainty white nightcap and gown,
And I 'll rock you away to that Sugar-Plum Tree
In the garden of Shut-Eye Town.

Hushabye Time unknown author


It's hushabye time at the edge of the woods,A cricket has told me so.Grandfather Robin is calling goodnight,And surely he ought to know.
Little Tom Chipmunk won't come in at once,A very annoying trait.His mother has chattered and called three times'Come home, it is getting late.'
The youngest deer has gone down for a drink.All children need one, it seems,Just when they ought to be closing their eyesAnd waiting for happy dreams.
A blanket of mist creeps softly about.The fireflies gleam and glow.Oh, it's hushabye time at the edge of the woodA cricket has told me so.







Wednesday, May 30, 2012

What They Don't Tell You About Being Pregnant (part 2)

What I learned about being pregnant:  If you are not actively bleeding or have a fever, it's normal for being pregnant and it is amazing what you can get used to.
As I look back on the last 9 months, I find that I am glad I did it, I will do it again, but I am sure glad it is done.  Being pregnant is hard work. 

-First Trimester: I found out by feeling like I was going to pass out because I had no blood pressure, then I slept for the next 3 months and forgot how to eat.  I don't really remember a whole lot, just being really, really tired and my sweet husband having to find ways to make me eat.
         Part no one tells you about: How much energy a 1 oz being needs.  I mean- holy cow!
-Second Trimester: This was my favorite time of being pregnant.  I wasn't showing yet, but my boobs came in.  My appetite came back with a vengence, I had energy, and I could feel the little guy move.  The rough part was all the hormonal weird body changes that occur with pregnancy.  I realize now that no one tells you all the weird stuff your body is going to do because no one remembers it starting- by the time third trimester rolls around you are used to it and more crazy stuff is starting.
        Part no one tells you about: the leaking, the bloody noses, the strange smells, the way other people will act toward you once they find out you're pregnant, how much your body image is going to change (and the emotional side of that) and how much it is all going to keep changing...
-Third Trimester: I had no idea how huge I would get.  I would catch my reflection in mirrors and windows and startle with how gigantic I was.  And then I would grow some more.  I got new weird symptoms (like more leaking and swelling) in addition to the ones I had gotten used to.  I now understood why no one had mentioned the second trimester stuff- it was all "normal" to me now and I had more uncomfortable stuff now.  I could feel my hips spreading as he worked his way down.  The jokes about pregnant women having to pee all the time are totally accurate.  I also was so scatter-brained due to the hormones.  It is a cruel joke that nesting and pregnancy-brain occur at the same time.  I organized my whole house and now have no idea where I put things.  (I lost my house keys for a month).  It was stressful waiting for the little guy.  The weekly doctors' appointments, the scheduling of things, contractions, having a stomach that wanted a full meal but could only handle a half meal, the constant kicking, the uncomfortableness.  I couldn't put on my underwear I was so big- I would pull up my knee to get the second leg in and it would hit my stomach.  I had to do this weird frog-leg motion so that I could get dressed, shave my legs, and step up on things.  I did squats to tie my shoes (slip ons were pretty much all I would wear because my feet were so swollen and I didn't have to bend over) and I would run into walls with my stomach because I had to body position sense as to how big I was.  I couldn't hug my husband, nightly heartburn, and I would get so winded going up a flight of stairs since my lungs had no room.  The word to describe the third trimester is uncomfortable.  I was so glad when it came time for labor because I knew all the pregnancy symptoms would disappear. 
           Part no one tells you: Just how freaking uncomfortable it is!  Find out when your inducement date would be from your doctor (most let you go for about a week after your due date)  Use that date instead of your due date as the day you will no longer be pregnant.  It will keep you sane knowing that all of the unpleasantness will be done by that date. 
-Labor:  Oh boy was I unprepared for this.  I mean, I had read the book, talked to my doctor, talked to my mom, heard the stories, and thought I was ready.  You can't be ready for this.  It was the most painful thing I have ever done, the most magical, the physically hardest thing I have done, and the most stressful.  I am still really hoping that they come up with Star Trek transporter technology by the time I have my next one, because I am not so sure I want to do that again. 
          Part no one tells you about: How much each contraction hurts- I thought it was just the pushing that hurt (like in TV) HELL NO! The contractions hurt like crazy, and although they only last a minute, they just keep coming.  And coming.  And coming.  I cried tears of joy when the nurse told me I could have my epidural.  And the thing that really caught me off guard- the shaking/shivering.  I started shaking like a leaf in the wind once I got in the hospital bed and I wasn't cold or scared.  (Alright, I was a little scared)  The doctor said it was the surge of hormones I was feeling.  I shook while I got my epidural, and then when I finally hit 10 cm and got to start pushing, and then when we finished and the placenta was out.  Apparently, normal, but a strange sensation. Oh, and the idea that once you get the head out the baby just kind of "slides out"- complete nonsense.  Those shoulders took a big push.  That placenta took a push too.  It wasn't as big as the head push, but it wasn't something I could do in my sleep either.
-After labor: I got my baby.  Every mom says it, "It's all worth it once you have your baby" and they are cliched but true.  I had trouble giving him to the nurses so I could sleep- if I could have stayed awake and stared at him all night I would have.  I just wanted to hold him and love him from the moment I saw him. 
       Part no one tells you about: How messy this process is.   I literally spurted blood across the room.  I soaked and adult diaper with blood. Twice. I sweated like crazy.  I was glad the hospital gave me gowns, pads, and clean sheets because I sure made a mess.  Also, this part hurts too.  I was glad I could have percocet and ibuprofen.  I am also glad I got stool softeners and drank a lot of water. 

I am so glad I have my little Tater Tot.  He is perfect and wonderful.  His first cries gave me tears of joy.  I would do this again for him.  I was an amazing experience and I learned a lot about myself.  (Cliche I know, but true)  I know my pregnancy served as amazing birth control for many of my friends, and it honestly has given me a greater respect for it and women's health care.  At least I know what to expect (at least a little) with the next one!

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Chrysalis

A caterpillar must turn into a chrysalis in order to become a butterfly. It must wait inside, patiently, all winter while it morphs into what it is supposed to be. This year I have been in my chrysalis form.

"Like other types of pupae, the chrysalis stage in most butterflies is one in which there is little movement"- Wikipedia

The 25th year of my life was spent waiting and getting ready for the next step in my life. I failed a class and got kicked out of medical school, got pregnant, and had to come to terms with myself about both. These two things made my quarter century mark a turning point. I can't go back to what was- just as a caterpillar can't go back to being a caterpillar once it has started its change.


"These little groups of cells that start developing very early in the caterpillar's life but then they stall, and so they're just in there waiting, and they don't start growing until the very end of the 5th instar (the last caterpillar stage). Then they start growing really rapidly and differentiating into the different tissues, so that literally the entire internal contents of the caterpillar — the muscles, the entire digestive system, even the heart, even the nervous system — is totally rebuilt." -Learner.org

This is going to be a busy last month of my 25th year on this spinning blue ball:

- My final retake of Neuro is May 4th- this is what kept me from continuing school. It is what put me in an educational/professional/what-am-I-doing-with-my-life holding pattern for a year.
- My Tater is due early May- 9 months of growth and love to start a whole new life. My mom and parents-in-law will be arriving to greet the little guy.

My birthday is at the end of May. I will be out of limbo with what my life is going to look like by then. Even my husband's world should resolve some of its uncertainties by then too. I know what I would like it to look like: back in school, healthy baby, happy husband- my world as a beautiful butterfly full of flowers.

"This shows that the process of metamorphosis consumes a tremendous amount of energy." -Learner.org


It has been a rough year. One full of waiting, growing, learning some hard lessons, confronting some demons, and some more waiting. I have so many doubts and fears, as I'm sure an almost formed butterfly would have (How is this flying thing going to work?... I'm supposed to eat what now?... What if my wings didn't form right?... What if I'm not in the right place?... How do I do all this?...) Needless to say, I am feeling a little anxious right now (What if I fail again? You want a baby to come out of where? I get pain meds right? How will I go to school and be a good mom? When will we be able to have another? How will I pull off traveling for 4th year with a 2 year old and a husband with a job? How will we pull off residency? When am I going to sleep? Is that normal for my body to do that? No, seriously, how is this baby gonna get out- because neither of those two options sound fun. Why did I fail? How will I not fail again? Where are my toes? and my belly-button? What have I gotten myself into? What is this baby going to be like? Am I going to be enough?)

I have some amazing people in my life, so here is hoping to a bright, flower filled future. I have been hanging around in my limbo/pupa stage and the events are finally here that I can emerge. No more waiting. I can do this.



http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pupa
http://www.learner.org/jnorth/tm/monarch/ChrysalisDevelopmentLPB.html

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Third Trimester

I now understand why previously pregnant women don't remember all the weird stuff from the second trimester; it is amazing what you can get used to when you have it all the time.

As I start this third trimester, the second trimester stuff is old hat. I have had these minor inconveniences/discomforts for 3 months now and I am used to them. Most of them have become common in my daily life and I don't even think about them any more. Plus, now I have a whole new set of things to complain about- and this stuff is the stuff that the previous pregnant folk remember.
It is really weird to have a basketball in your stomach. I can't put my shorts on the same way any more because when I bend my leg to put it in the second leg hole- it runs into my stomach and so I can't lift it high enough. (It's amusing to watch me get dressed now) I have to bend my knee out to the side instead of straight up to get dressed. Shaving my legs requires some interesting leg positions as again my knees bump my stomach when I bend over. And then the stereotypical stuff of getting off the couch, in and out of cars, and tying shoes is all pretty accurate. Walking is waddling now and I can't squeeze through things like I used to. The pregnant lady swelling is also fun (my feet don't really like this and I had to take off my rings). Tater also puts weird pressures on things (like my ribs and bladder) that make it uncomfortable to stay in any one position for very long. And his kicks are getting stronger (though at least his windup space is decreasing- imagine a strong boxer in really close vs a weak boxer with more distance for his punches to wind up) It is still really cool to feel him move around in there- he is a regular wiggle worm (unless someone is trying to feel him kick- then he pretends he is a statue!) Sleep is harder now- this big belly rolling over requires effort, getting comfortable, Tater kicking all the time, heartburn, congestion, and hormones all make for a lighter sleep and weird dreams. I am getting enough- it just isn't quite what it used to be.

My body image is very strange right now. I am finally getting used to having this different body- I don't start at mirrors and wonder who that person is anymore. I have a belly in about 50% of my dreams, though many times I will be my normal self and then suddenly pregnant and then back again. My subconscious has found some interesting ways to integrate the midnight kicks into my dreams. I am glad I am finally big enough that it is really obvious I am pregnant and not just big. I can't fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes (other than some shirts and comfy stuff) so it is actually really easy to get dressed in the morning. It is still very strange to look in the mirror and see this belly- and that it keeps getting bigger! It is an interesting experience to have this kind of change going on!

I have a new appreciation for fat people. It is hard being this big. I can completely understand why they don't want to go to the gym- just moving the extra weight is a workout in itself. Plus, clothes don't fit well (though there is a really big difference in pregnant lady clothes and fat lady clothes- namely fat ladies are big all over whereas pregnant ladies are just big in one spot- it actually makes a big deal of difference in the cut). I only have to deal with having this extra size for a few more months- I can't imagine having it all the time with no real purpose for it. I know that being 30 lbs overweight and being 30 lbs pregnant are very different, but it has been an illuminating experience to feel this big. ( And I still have 8 weeks to go)

Pregnancy is a series of minor discomforts leading to a really big discomfort. I think this trimester is Mother Nature's way of making sure you are ready to get this over with. I am excited to get my body back- to be able to exercise, eat tuna, have some wine, be able to take medicines again, and to be able to lay on my stomach again. To have my body be "normal" again will be very nice- plus I will have my Tater. Here goes trimester 3!

Quilts!

So...
In order to stay sane while pregnant and out of school, I have taken up quilting. It is wonderful to have something to keep my hands busy and creative while getting a sense of accomplishment out of finishing one. I have enjoyed it and so I am displaying my work :)


1st quilt: A jelly roll and a charm pack - I pretty much made up the pattern, with some online inspiration.
Size: Throw Finished 9/2011


2nd quilt: Christmas Quilt in an Irish Chain pattern. I then quilted the "boxes" and put some gold snowflakes in a pattern on the white backing.
Size: Queen Finished 2/2012

It took from October to the end of February to finish this- I don't think I will be doing one this big again for a while. Not to mention I ended up sewing everything twice because the way the chains fall apart due to the way they are supposed to be cut to be sewn together into the correct pattern.

There are 17 "snowflakes" on the back in gold


3rd Quilt: Water Quilt. This one is made out of fabric generously donated to me by my quilting mentor (aka mother in law). It is based off a pattern called "Stars and Stripes Forever" in Easy Quilts Magazine. Instead of doing the red, white, and blue pattern with stars, I did a dark blue, white/light blue, turquoise/light blue pattern.
Size: Throw Finished: 3/2012


It may not be very clear, but the back looks really cool with a double stitch quilting along the "waves". I am very pleased with how this one came out.

The cats also had their input-


What good assistants.....

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Frustrated

Grrrr....
Arrrgghhhh

Friday, December 30, 2011

What they don't tell you about being pregnant.....

Ah Pregnancy.

I have learned that no one tells you anything about it. The movies lie. All the women who have gone through it have forcibly removed certain memories of it and the rest won't tell you all the stuff that happens to your body because if they did, no one would ever get pregnant. I have gotten so many, "Oh yeah- I forgot about that part" and "Don't worry- that symptom you have that we would normally run lots of tests for is now considered normal". It is a pretty amazing experience, but it is not really comfortable all the time.

First of all, the first trimester is rough. I was very lucky and never got the morning sickness part- I just lost my appetite completely. I remember walking into a bakery and looking at a table full of amazing food, and thinking, "None of that looks appetizing. It should look good, but I really don't want to eat any of it". It was a very strange feeling not to want to eat anything. Hubby literally had to tell me to eat and then make sure I actually did it because I would eat half my sandwich and get bored and stop. I had really low blood pressure (90/54 sitting down after 30 mins of sitting quietly) which is normal apparently. I slept 14 hours a day (also normal). I was so glad not to be in school because I never would have made it to class- I would sleep 10 hours, get up and go to the couch to sleep/doze for another 4, get up and go back to bed. I lost 5 pounds (which is normal) and I just remember being really dizzy and tired all the time. The rest is a blur (probably from being dizzy and tired all the time- also normal).

Second trimester is way more fun. I hit 13 weeks and it was like someone remembered to turn on my body. I suddenly only was sleeping 10 hours and didn't want to sit on the couch anymore. Food was yummy again(especially salty stuff). I got a job because I didn't want to sit still anymore. I felt like I had gotten over a really bad flu and was finally feeling better. The part they don't tell you about here is what your body is doing in response to the fact that something very delicate is growing in you. All your bodily secretions increase. ALL of them. Things that are now considered normal are: bloody noses, increased salivation, increased eye gunk, increased other orifice gunk (yes all orifices), increased acne, increased hair growth (legs, arms, eyebrows, upper-lip, stomach, feet, head- you name it, it gets darker/increased hair growth), increased nail growth, hormone surges (yup- random crying does occur), heartburn, leg cramps, skin irritation, constipation, tighter shoes, sore boobs, weird skin spots, and random cramps and pains. I only complain because something happens and I think to myself, "huh, I've never had that happen before" only to find out that this weird thing is considered normal and will just continue to increase as the baby grows. Most of them are either protective for the baby (all the increased gunk helps keep bacteria out) or the result of hormones (why my skin looks like I am 15 again). It is fascinating to find out what changes my body is doing to accommodate and protect the little guy- and how much weird stuff can be considered normal!

One thing that is very strange is how much the baby moves. It is a strange sensation to begin with- it feels like your intestines shift, or a bubble popped inside of your lower stomach. As it keeps increasing in intensity and frequency, I am constantly surprised at how much he moves! It catches me off guard right now, but soon I know I will feel it all the time. I have even started incorporating it into my dreams (I was a spy who was suddenly pregnant- luckily that didn't interfere with my spy plans). I am so excited for him to get a little stronger so that other people can feel him move.

Overall, I understand why people don't remember this weird uncomfortable stuff. The fact that there is a little person growing inside of you, that you love them so much just for being alive, that you are growing something with so much potential, that it is worth it. The strange uncomfortableness is worth it. I am sure that I will find more things that I am not too fond of (like the heartburn kicking in right now and my organs being used as punching bags) but Tater is worth it. I would go through a lot more uncomfortableness for this little guy and I haven't even met him yet. The awesomeness of the child overshadows the little discomforts. I am only half way through the process, but I wouldn't want to stop now- things are just going to get better (and more weird).

I love my baby.